In our search for calm and stability during a hellish time, perhaps no mantra stands out as more comforting than "give yourself grace." It's the refrain you might turn to when coping with daily frustrations like arguing with your children, driving aggressively after being cutoff, or feeling overwhelmed by the stress of global events such as the coronavirus pandemic. It offers relief in the midst of serious transgressions, like failing to show up for an important moment or betraying a promise. Give yourself grace is permission to forgive your mistakes, lapses in judgment, and hurtful behavior, ...morebecause no one is perfect.
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The saying has deep roots in yoga and faith communities, and it frequently shows up online as a hashtag or inspirational quote. On Instagram, the combination of #grace and #giveyourselfgrace had more than 400,000 uses over just a few months during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic in late 2020. While the give yourself grace hashtag on the platform didn't grow significantly during that time, it's waiting there (and on other social media sites) as a gentle reminder to let go of self-criticism, pity, and shame.Yet grace giving should involve more than putting yourself at ease. It should also prompt some form of action, whether that's self-care, repairing a damaged relationship, or taking responsibility for your choices. First you need to learn how to use it as more than a hashtag or cliché.Dianne Bondy, a yoga teacher and author of Yoga For Everyone, knows the saying well and is a "big believer" in its potential.
"Grace happens to give us some space, acceptance, and room to take a hard swallow or step back."
"Grace happens to give us some space, acceptance, and room to take a hard swallow or step back...and practice self-compassion," she says. Like any other well-worn saying, Bondy says it can also become "empty" or "plastic" if used in the wrong context. That could be invoking it to exit an uncomfortable situation or avoiding making an apology when you've hurt someone else. Grace isn't an excuse for feeling less inner or interpersonal conflict but an opportunity to be kind to yourself.Bondy says that when expressions of grace online are performative, they ultimately become a trendy, meaningless sentiment. If someone you follow online talks about giving grace, that should arise in an appropriate context and be tied to an action, like solving problems, seeking forgiveness, or practicing acceptance of difficult circumstances and emotions. "Don't just say the word and not do anything to deal with [a problem], or say the word and center yourself," she says. Toby Sola, head teacher of the meditation app Brightmind, thinks of grace giving as a form of equanimity. That concept is defined by an openness, softness, and love, qualities that allow emotions to come and go, "without push or pull," says Sola. People often want to hold positive emotions close and resist negative feelings, but equanimity can help them instead greet every experience with warmth and acceptance. Sola says this actually increases the fulfillment derived from pleasurable experiences while decreasing the distress that comes from uncomfortable feelings. When regret and shame, for example, are met with acceptance, Sola says they're not just a source of distress but serve an important purpose by signaling to the mind and body that it's possible to act differently in the future. In that sense, consider giving yourself grace a step toward makin...
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